I know you’ve got hands of stone.
Crush everything I’ve ever known.
Including my bones.
This is what the rest of my life will consist of. Lying awake at 3 in the morning with my thoughts and alcohol, who has become my best friend again. Knowing nobody will ever be able to love me. Who can love someone so broken?
I can’t seem to get it right. I’m so complicated, yet all my wants are so simple. You would think it would be easy to achieve them. No matter how hard I try. I just keep finding ways to fuck things up.
I’m not alone, but I’m lonely. That feeling of loneliness is such torture. You can’t do anything to fill that void, unless you find someone who can. But when you do, they don’t even care for your existence and only appreciate your body. How fucked up is that?
I’ve been beating myself up over the same person for over a month now. He has no idea. He may, but I highly doubt it. He doesn’t even really pay attention to me anyway. Or care to carry conversation with me anymore. I wonder how I managed to fuck it up. Not like I can ask him, he doesn’t even want to see me. There’s an excuse every time. This isn’t a conversation to have over the phone. I already know what he’s going to say though, so it would be absolutely pointless to even talk about it. All I know is that I’m not going to carry on with what we’ve been doing, only to feel his affection on the weekends when he’s drunk. I can’t.
I can’t keep making the same mistake over and over expecting a different outcome. Nothing is going to change, and it won’t make him care about me. Not taking care of him or driving him home when he’s drunk. Or cleaning up the garbage in the apartment the morning after. Or giving him a kiss good morning. I don’t know if it even hurts anymore. I can’t really feel much of anything at all anymore. I don’t even know why or how my feelings for him grew. It’s quite irritating. I guess I’m just really infatuated with him. Hopefully this passes with time. I don’t like how my chest feels whenever I see his face. Like on Friday. Felt like my heart dropped to my knees. I knew I would see him there though, I called it. I said “I have a feeling his face is going to be the first face I see when I enter that place.” And what do you know? Ha.
Worst part is, I can’t even be mad at him hahahah. This is my fault. I’m only hurting myself because I’m in this delusional state where I’m being optimistic that he’ll care for me the same way one day. But I know the reality of the situation and I am completely aware that it won’t ever happen.
Meanwhile, I have all these dickfucks asking me out on dates and completely blowing it on the first date. You suck. You all fucking suck. You bore the shit out of me and we have nothing in common. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Most of you are rude as fuck and are incredibly impolite anyway. And trying to hold my hand and touch me on the first date is an absolute no. Don’t fucking touch me if it’s obvious that I’m not interested. And I make it well known.
I hate how my friends won’t even let me vent to them about any of this. They just ignore me. That’s the only reason I’m writing on here because I need to let this all out before I cave into myself and isolate myself from people again. I’m slowly falling back in that hole again because I just can’t handle stupidity anymore. People are so selfish and always think everything is always about them. I swear I feel like I’m the only person that actually listens and gives into conversation anymore. I’m too compassionate. People can be so shitty. They feed and want and want more and more when you give them what they want. So greedy. I can’t even deal with it anymore.
My “friend” hasn’t talked to me in a few weeks and had the balls to text me and ask me for money. Most likely for drugs. Do you know how much that hurt? Knowing people only talk to me when they want something? It fucking sucks and you just can’t do anything about it.
Good people are hard to find in this world. If you find a good person, you keep them close. Very close.
Faded Paper Figures - Speeches